Wow, did you just blink and suddenly summer is over? I mean, it’s already Labor Day, which means the first day of school is here, and we all know what that means. Pretty soon our kids will be hearing this: “OK guys, get together. Now smile. Can you stop doing that? Just look at me. Smile. STOP. Put your arm down. Make a normal face. I’m warning you. PLEASE STOP. Look at me. Say cheese!” Got it!
And when you finally have that perfect shot and you send your little ones off to their new classrooms, well, then you have a tough decision to make.
What to caption the photo on Facebook.
Because everyone knows you have to post a picture of your kids on the first day of school. Otherwise, how will anyone know if your kids really went to school that day? It’s not like everyone goes back to school around Labor Day, right? Can you imagine the mass confusion if you didn’t post that picture? I can almost hear the phone ringing now.
Nurse: Hello Mrs. Goldschneider, this is the school nurse.
Me: Oh my goodness, is everything ok?
Nurse: I hope so. I’m calling to see if your children came to school today.
Me: Yes, of course they did. I saw them walk into the building. Aren’t they in their classrooms?
Nurse: Well yes, they are in their classrooms. But I just checked social media and there’s no mention of your children coming back to school today. So I wanted to be sure you sent them.
Me: Oh, I’m so sorry. How careless of me. I’ll post that picture right away and I sincerely apologize for the confusion.
Because you may not realize this, but back when you signed up for Facebook and you checked the “I Agree” box at the end of the Terms and Conditions, you actually agreed to make certain posts. Don’t bother looking for it. It’s really hard to find so just trust me, ok? Anyway, there are certain posts you’re obliged to make. Let’s call them “obligatory posts,” and they’re designed to avoid this exact type of confusion. Like for example:
Term 24: Users are obliged to post a photo of their children on the first day of school as well as on the last day of school. Last day photo should be shown side by side with the first day photo, indicating how fast the school year went and/or expressing User’s disbelief in the passage of time;
Term 38: Users are obliged to post well wishes to persons or animals who do not have a Facebook account and will never check and/or see said post, such as wishing a happy birthday to your two-year-old daughter, your 94-year-old grandmother, or your pet Labradoodle. Such well wishes may also include wishing a happy anniversary to a spouse who hates Facebook and who is sitting right next to you;
Term 52: Users are obliged to post several photos each calendar year of the User eating at a restaurant, attending a concert, or with “friends who are family.” Users visiting a beach are also obliged to post a photo of their toes.
And not following the rules can really throw everyone off. No one will know if anyone’s going out or having fun or even eating anything! Everyone would walk around all confused and foggy, no one will know what’s going on, and before you know it there’ll be a “Sharknado 5” and…. Wait, what? You see, you’re confused already.
So just take it from me, you really do have to post that first day of school photo. Just to keep us all from wondering where your kids are all day, so that everyone can go on with their lives without all that stress.
Because no one wants to spend the whole day worrying about whether everyone else’s kids went back to school. And we really don’t need a “Sharknado 5.”